WWBD

May 17 according to the Tsurluk Tibetan calendar was Saga Dawa Duchen, the day on which the birth, enlightenment and death of the Buddha is celebrated. For that reason it’s believed to be a day on which karma, or the consequences of our actions, is greatly magnified. The day started for me as most do with breakfast followed by meditation practice with special prayers to celebrate the occasion. Well before noon, however, things took a nosedive. Ten years of practice seemed to evaporate as I was engulfed by an overwhelming wave of anger.

For several hours I carried the anger, painfully aware that it was Saga Dawa, painfully aware of my previous post, “Let It Go,” but still unable to do so. It was with me as I went about the grueling business of going to a medical appointment, two pharmacies and the grocery story. The unexpected need to do so many chores was the spark that ignited my angry state of mind. It flared upon discovery that I was out of vegetables. It sounds silly. But for those of us with chronic illness there’s no such thing as a quick trip to the market. Every outing is planned to account for my energy level and an extra stop was more than I could manage. 

This past year I’ve relied upon my mother to do most of my shopping and, uncharacteristically, she’d forgotten some things. Mom offered to go for me but by then I was beyond reason and stubbornly insisted on going myself. Anger is a common response to the many losses and dependencies of chronic illness. It’s a challenge to maintain patience when one is exhausted, in pain, and dependent upon others. I know better than to let anger take control but on this day it got the better of me. It’s an emotion even healthy people can’t afford. Anger depletes energy, undermines the immune system and leaves a buildup of toxic chemicals in the body.

Driving to the grocery store I was mindful of traffic knowing how dangerously distracted I was. Ahead of me written in large letters on a bumper sticker was the acronym WWBD. At a stoplight I was able to read the small print: “what would Buddha do?” My mind froze as a wave of shame washed over me. It’s not pleasant to look at our shortcomings under the microscope of comparison to historical and contemporary figures that embody loving kindness, compassion, patience, and a host of other virtues. But when we falter it’s a chance to assess our behavior, renew our commitment to doing the best we can, then forgive ourselves and move on. Years ago a Christian friend sang me these lines from a song:

We fall down and we get up,

We fall down and we get up,

For a saint is just a sinner

Who fell down and then got up.

In a recent conversation the same friend, Joe Greer, observed, “It’s in our own failures that we have the compassion to see that other people’s failures are the same [as our own].” It’s encouraging to know that our shortcomings, failures, and mistakes can be a cause of compassion for others and ourselves. Even an emotion as volatile as anger can be used to inspire kindness.

According to the Buddhist view anger is the most destructive of our emotions. It can destroy in an instant all of our previous positive deeds like a blazing fire can destroy an entire forest. It’s an emotional state of mind that we have to work skillfully with. Fortunately I’d not said anything pointedly unkind to my mother although I had been noticeably surly. Of course the anger had taken a physical toll, worse yet it had undermined my confidence – the confidence that I can walk my chosen spiritual path. What would Buddha do? The Buddha failed many times on his path towards enlightenment but kept on going. This Saga Dawa I tripped and fell and then got up. The next morning I mediated again and with renewed confidence vowed to do better at mastering my mind.

And before the day was finished I apologized to my mother – who gently reminded me to let it go.

For further contemplation, two wisdom quotes posted on Twitter by Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche, http://twitter.com/#!/ponlop:

“Erring and erring we walk down the unerring path.” - the contemporary Buddhist master Khenpo Tsultrim Gyamtso Rinpoche

“So, I learn from my mistakes.” – Johnny Cash