In response to my first two posts a friend, who also has Lyme disease, sent me an email: “Nice, Cara. Not sure that I'll find the degree of equanimity that you've found, however. Love the snowdrops!!” To which I replied: “Equanimity! Hahaha! Equanimity is something I keep having to come back to hence the title of the blog: ‘Coming back to peace.’ I have to practice it – over and over and over again.”
With a quick google search I found the following definition of equanimity on miriam-webster.com: “evenness of mind especially under stress.” It describes nicely the point of meditation practice, which is to become familiar with our minds so that we can ride the roller coaster of thoughts and emotions without freaking out. Contrary to what some might think meditation is not about getting rid of thoughts – good luck with that! The point of meditation is to develop mindfulness and awareness so that we aren’t jerked this way and that by our habitual emotional tendencies, concepts, and endless internal dialogue.
Equanimity takes practice, it’s the ability to be with whatever’s happening and not lose our cool. When we do lose our cool – which is certain to happen at some point – then equanimity is the ability to notice that we just lost it and climb back on the surfboard, skateboard, horse – you choose – and finish the ride. Then we use that as inspiration for next time so that when another big wave comes our way we have a chance to catch it before we’re slammed.
Being sick is a lot like being slammed again and again by a huge wave. I never seem to get any ground beneath my feet. Some days I think to myself: “I am so fucked!” Sometimes I shout it out loud and that’s when I’m being most honest with myself because there’s nothing I can do. My situation can’t be fixed, changed, or solved. I’ve hit bottom. There’s no ground beneath my feet, there never has been any ground, the ground is only an illusion and all I can do is watch and be with whatever is happening in the moment – that’s equanimity in practice.
There’s tremendous wisdom in hitting bottom. In some ways it’s similar to what Zen practitioners refer to as “beginner’s mind.”[i] Beginner’s mind is fresh, open and without any concepts or preconceived ideas. Realizing that we’ve hit bottom is when we finally know that none of our concepts work. It’s when we know that no amount of effort on our part can change what we’re going through. Suddenly we can’t hold on any longer. We have no choice but to let go and when we do we discover that there is actually tremendous space in our situation. Like an eagle we might, for a brief moment, catch an updraft and realize that we can actually soar and then it all changes again.
When we let go of our concepts and at the same time continue to hold our seat, not moving from that spot but continuing to look and stay with it, there’s an opportunity to see the basic sanity in our situation, the basic health that’s always there no matter how sick we are. Working with illness and pain in a productive way is, among other things, a practice of patience and equanimity. We come back to peace each time we let go of our concepts, internal dialogue and destructive emotional habits long enough to relax and enjoy the space that’s always there.
Note: From the Buddhist view sickness is sometimes considered a powerful path for practice. Why? First, there is no greater motivation for meditation practice than our own suffering and awareness of mortality. Second, touching our own pain at a deep level enables us to develop compassion and the motivation and aspiration to free other beings from suffering. Such an aspiration has tremendous benefit for oneself and others. It changes our whole intention and mindset toward other sentient beings and our world.
Learning basic mindfulness practice: There’s been a lot written lately about the benefits of mindfulness meditation for people living with pain and chronic or terminal illness. Scientific studies of the brain using imaging techniques such as MRI scans show that meditation alters the brain in significant and positive ways. Changes to the brain’s structure can happen relatively quickly even for beginning meditators who practice only a few minutes a day – consistency, however, is an important part of the practice. Anyone can learn to meditate. Simple, guided mindful meditation instructions are offered on line by the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center: http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22
For more information about mindfulness meditation, its benefits and positive effects on the human brain:
Washington Post – Monday, February 14, 2011
Meditation and mindfulness may give your brain a boost Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Program
- Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind
I noticed that I had more equanimity and detachment when my illness was inescapable and I sank as low as I could possibly sink. Yet now that I have finally just a bit of a stable basis, thanks to the right medication, and WHAM, all my attachments came rolling back with a vengeance (because I deserved that break LOL)
ReplyDeleteThat's my experience too, when I'm in a period of feeling better. Sometimes it's discouraging and I lose confidence in my ability to work with my attachments. But just by noticing that I'm experiencing the same old attachments that in itself is a deepening of mindfulness and awareness and enables me to work with what's arising. Then I can relax a little bit and start to let go, including letting go of judging myself. So I guess that's the good news - that we're noticing our attachments. :-)
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