Practice kindness

I awoke from my nap this afternoon feeling so weak it took a good 10 minutes before I could push myself up and swing my feet to the floor.

Frankly I found that depressing.

As I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself and feeling that there is almost no point to my life – since owing to increasing illness and infirmity there is little I can actually do – I suddenly thought: “ah, but I can still practice kindness.”

To a culture addicted to materialism I think that kindness may seem at best irrelevant or at worst a form of weakness.

But we all need kindness. To some extent we are actually starved for it, which is one reason there’s so much aggression in our culture. Our environment is certainly starved for a little kindness.

Generating the capacity for kindness – giving rise to an increasing capacity for kindness – and extending kindness to ourselves and to all beings may be one of the most important and significant things we can possibly do.

At this critical time our very survival may depend upon our capacity for kindness.

So lets be kind to each other. It’s one of the first things we all learned as kids. And it actually feels good.

It feels good because kindness flows naturally from a kind heart.

Perhaps we cannot be kind all of the time. I certainly don’t feel kind all of the time. But we can practice. And that’s worth getting out of bed for.

If you'd care to indulge an immediate expression of kindness please consider signing the Sandy Hook Promise: http://www.sandyhookpromise.org/

Note: If you’d like a little gentle encouragement and guidance or perhaps feel the need to reconnect with your own kind heart I recommend listening to the audio recording of a talk given by the western Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön entitled: From Fear to Fearlessness. I found the talk at my local library and was able to borrow and download it onto my computer for absolutely free and from the comfort of home. Now that’s kindness! Yes. Our public library system is an expression of kindness that we all share in because we all support it. J

A super great thing about being really sick

One great thing about being chronically sick and disabled is that I have less energy for my own bullshit.

I have less energy for all the mental trips and games I normally play with myself and with other people. Of course these things are old habits but it’s much easier to drop a pointless and bad habit when you see immediately how sick it makes you.

So it’s hard to feel sorry for myself when I see that being sick is helping me to get real. I see how little time I have left and I don’t want to waste it.

We should all see how little time we have left. When we truly know how short our life is we have a chance to sober up and quit wasting this precious opportunity.

And what is this rare and precious opportunity?

It’s our chance to cut through all our habits and games to the very core of the reason why we’re here which is to love. Love what? Love whom? Love how?

Just love.

This isn’t a self-improvement project.

Be who you truly are which is utterly naked like the wind and the rain and the earth, not pretending to be something or someone else.

Do it now. It can only happen in the space of now. 

Let yourself be

Note: as I’ve gotten sicker writing has become more difficult. In order to continue this blog I’m trying a new format: short and pithy.

Today in a brief email to a friend I wrote: “To say that my health is poor is an understatement. But I’m still alive to joyful walk my spiritual path.”

If you don’t have a spiritual path that’s okay because what I really mean is that so long as we’re alive we have the chance to experience a moment of gentle peace, a quiet space of dignity that is the true nature of who we are. 

Take one moment. Sit silently. Be still.

Beyond worry and fear is peace. Beyond hope is a vast space of fearless freedom. Don’t think about it. Let go and taste it.

Being is not the same as doing. For a few moments each day quit doing.

Let go. Let go of everything. Just be. It’s easy. For just a few moments every day be who you truly are. It will slowly become a habit.

All of life is lived in one moment. We are alive now.

Illness and the Buddha’s begging bowel

In Old Path White Clouds, Thich Nhat Hanh’s classic retelling of the Buddha’s life, the Buddha explained why he and his disciples begged for their daily meal: begging was a spiritual discipline that enabled the monks to develop patience and humility and because it freed them from having to prepare their own meals they had more time for spiritual practice. Moreover the monks learned not to be overly attached to food and to accept whatever was offered with gratitude – even a small yam or bit of rice was better than an empty bowl.

Because the monks were in daily contact with the lay community they established meaningful relationships with the townsfolk and could share the Buddha’s teachings with anyone who expressed interested. The concept of karma is deeply rooted in India and the villagers, whether Hindu or Buddhist, understood that they accumulated merit and good karma by offering food to the monks. By relying upon the generosity of villagers for their food the monks were reminded everyday of the truth of interdependence – that we are all interconnected and dependent upon each other.

We generally think of dependency as a bad thing. The truth however is that we are dependent upon each other all of the time. The problem is that we don’t usually see let alone acknowledge our interdependence. That’s partly because our culture over-values independence. We have an entire national mythology, a sort of cultural fantasy, of rugged individualism that might be great for our egos but that’s devastating for our development of kindness and community.  Of course we are all unique individuals each with our own talents and gifts. But at the same time we depend upon each other for our very existence.

Illness reminds me daily of my dependency and the truth of interdependence. I have to ask for help cooking my meals, doing laundry, getting to medical appointments, picking up prescriptions, shopping for food. Even the most basic things are often beyond what I can manage. Everyday I rely upon family, friends and even strangers for assistance. Most people are happy to help – it feels good to help another person.

Whenever I do ask for help, perhaps for something as simple as reaching for an object off a grocery shelf, there is a small but profound moment of contact with another human being. In that way illness provides me with opportunities to develop meaningful connections with other people and my community. In turn, my dependency creates opportunities for other people to practice generosity, kindness, compassion and even patience. And that’s a good thing. How else can we develop these qualities?

When we can’t take care of our own needs we can either become bitter and resentful or we can learn to accept our situation. I have to be patient with my situation and with those who are trying to help me. I have to be willing to ask for and accept help even though it's not always easy to do. Illness is my chance to practice and develop qualities of patience, kindness, gratitude, and humility. It's extremely humbling to be dependent which may be one reason, culturally speaking, that we prefer to forget our interdependence.

Humility is not valued in our culture and yet it's extremely important. We tend to think of humility as a kind of weakness but actually it’s a great strength. When we've tamed our ego to the extent that we care as much for and about other people as we do ourselves that is freedom. It's freedom because we've freed our minds, if even just a little bit, from poisonous emotions like jealousy and resentment, pride, arrogance, anger, spite and all the negative states of mind that cause us so much suffering – sometimes far worse than any physical illness. Gentleness, humility, kindness and compassion are true strengths that reflect genuine and unshakable fearlessness. I aspire to such fearlessness.

When I was still healthy I was stubbornly independent and wouldn’t ask for help even when I needed it. That’s not a good way to be in the world because it closes off opportunities to deepen our connectedness to each other and community. Living with chronic illness is not easy but it can be a rich spiritual journey. I can either waste the time I have left feeling sorry for myself or grab this chance to tame my own mind and develop all of the openhearted qualities that are so important. As I see it, illness is an utterly profound reminder of what is truly important and of the truth and blessing of interdependence. I’m reminded of these things everyday as if I too were walking from home to home with a begging bowl.

Suffering and the path of wisdom

It’s something of a joke among Buddhists – and among those who know something about Buddhism – that we spend a lot of time studying, contemplating and meditating upon suffering. It sounds depressing but actually it’s a very pragmatic thing to do because it acknowledges the reality of our situation. We can’t work with suffering effectively unless we have the courage to look at our experience exactly as it is without any sugarcoating. By doing that we get to know our situation in great detail so that we can relate to it with a sense of open-mindedness and sanity instead of the usual close-minded neurotic way we relate to things.

The first teaching the Buddha gave after attaining enlightenment is known as The Four Noble Truths. Of those, the first is the truth of suffering. Why did the Buddha begin 40 years of teaching talking about suffering? Why didn’t the Buddha talk about enlightenment first?

The reason the Buddha talked about suffering first is because we can’t attain enlightenment by ignoring and skipping over the reality of our experience. It isn’t possible to skip straight to enlightenment. We have to begin the journey to enlightenment based upon the truth without glossing over how things are. “This life,” the Buddha told his disciples over and over again, “is suffering.” The Buddha didn’t say that to depress the monks, he said that to encourage them to get real and see things the way they are.

Of course no one wants to hear, let alone acknowledged, that this life is suffering. We want to think that suffering is only a small part of our experience. We want to think that if we just do the right thing, if we exercise everyday, if we eat our vegetables, if we wear a seatbelt, if we say “please” and “thank you” then we can avoid suffering. But that’s not realistic. If we look honestly at things we can see that suffering pervades all of our experiences in obvious and subtle ways. There are obvious forms of suffering associated with sickness, accidents, aging and death. Even those things that make us happy have the seeds of suffering in them.

For example: every spring when fresh strawberries finally arrive (imagine your favorite fruit for this example) the first berry is absolutely heavenly – plump, juicy and luscious – so is the second, third and fourth berry. But at some point we become jaded and the strawberries don’t taste quite as sweet. There’s a subtle dissatisfaction right in the midst of our pleasure. Added to that is the fact that they don’t last, which causes an additional feeling of disappointment. Maybe we eat too many and feel uncomfortable and a little sick of the berries. If we look closely at all of our experiences in this way we will find an undercurrent of dissatisfaction or discontent even in the most pleasant situations. That’s because things are impermanent and changing. Nothing lasts forever. Moreover, things never go exactly as we want no matter how much we try and control them.

It’s said that when we experience suffering so deeply that we want to be free of it, that very desire to be free is the first step on the path to enlightenment. If our life is nice and cushy then there’s no motivation to want to wake up. But when we’re completely sick and tired of suffering we have a lot of incentive to do something about it. When we’re sitting in the nightmare of our situation we want to wake up out of our dream of suffering. That dissatisfaction is a powerful motivation to start to question our experience and begin our journey towards wisdom. Without such motivation we’d never question our life, we’d never want to wake up. Who wants to wake up from a nice dream?

So that’s the good news about suffering. The moment we take a closer look at it we’ve started our journey on the path of wisdom. And what is that path of wisdom? It’s the journey of discovering the true nature of suffering, which is ultimately about realizing the true nature of our own mind. And what is the true nature of mind? According to all the Buddhist masters who have actually realized that nature, the fundamental nature of our own mind is peace, or nirvana. That fundamental nature is freedom from suffering.

It’s said that when we have some realization of the nature of mind then we experience peace right in the midst of whatever is happening. One doesn’t have to be a fully enlightened Buddha to develop some genuine experience of peace or to experience a taste of freedom from suffering. One does, however, need to know something about the true nature of mind and to learn about that we first have to develop a firm understanding of the truth of suffering. Through investigating our own experience we generate a sense of conviction about the truth of suffering and that starts us on the path of wisdom. Otherwise, without such conviction, we’ll never take that first step towards freedom.

Equanimity

In response to my first two posts a friend, who also has Lyme disease, sent me an email: “Nice, Cara. Not sure that I'll find the degree of equanimity that you've found, however. Love the snowdrops!!” To which I replied: “Equanimity! Hahaha! Equanimity is something I keep having to come back to hence the title of the blog: ‘Coming back to peace.’ I have to practice it – over and over and over again.”

With a quick google search I found the following definition of equanimity on miriam-webster.com: “evenness of mind especially under stress.” It describes nicely the point of meditation practice, which is to become familiar with our minds so that we can ride the roller coaster of thoughts and emotions without freaking out. Contrary to what some might think meditation is not about getting rid of thoughts – good luck with that! The point of meditation is to develop mindfulness and awareness so that we aren’t jerked this way and that by our habitual emotional tendencies, concepts, and endless internal dialogue.

Equanimity takes practice, it’s the ability to be with whatever’s happening and not lose our cool. When we do lose our cool – which is certain to happen at some point – then equanimity is the ability to notice that we just lost it and climb back on the surfboard, skateboard, horse – you choose – and finish the ride. Then we use that as inspiration for next time so that when another big wave comes our way we have a chance to catch it before we’re slammed. 

Being sick is a lot like being slammed again and again by a huge wave. I never seem to get any ground beneath my feet. Some days I think to myself: “I am so fucked!” Sometimes I shout it out loud and that’s when I’m being most honest with myself because there’s nothing I can do. My situation can’t be fixed, changed, or solved. I’ve hit bottom. There’s no ground beneath my feet, there never has been any ground, the ground is only an illusion and all I can do is watch and be with whatever is happening in the moment – that’s equanimity in practice.

There’s tremendous wisdom in hitting bottom. In some ways it’s similar to what Zen practitioners refer to as “beginner’s mind.”[i] Beginner’s mind is fresh, open and without any concepts or preconceived ideas. Realizing that we’ve hit bottom is when we finally know that none of our concepts work. It’s when we know that no amount of effort on our part can change what we’re going through. Suddenly we can’t hold on any longer. We have no choice but to let go and when we do we discover that there is actually tremendous space in our situation. Like an eagle we might, for a brief moment, catch an updraft and realize that we can actually soar and then it all changes again. 

When we let go of our concepts and at the same time continue to hold our seat, not moving from that spot but continuing to look and stay with it, there’s an opportunity to see the basic sanity in our situation, the basic health that’s always there no matter how sick we are. Working with illness and pain in a productive way is, among other things, a practice of patience and equanimity. We come back to peace each time we let go of our concepts, internal dialogue and destructive emotional habits long enough to relax and enjoy the space that’s always there.

Note: From the Buddhist view sickness is sometimes considered a powerful path for practice. Why? First, there is no greater motivation for meditation practice than our own suffering and awareness of mortality. Second, touching our own pain at a deep level enables us to develop compassion and the motivation and aspiration to free other beings from suffering. Such an aspiration has tremendous benefit for oneself and others. It changes our whole intention and mindset toward other sentient beings and our world.

Learning basic mindfulness practice: There’s been a lot written lately about the benefits of mindfulness meditation for people living with pain and chronic or terminal illness. Scientific studies of the brain using imaging techniques such as MRI scans show that meditation alters the brain in significant and positive ways. Changes to the brain’s structure can happen relatively quickly even for beginning meditators who practice only a few minutes a day – consistency, however, is an important part of the practice. Anyone can learn to meditate. Simple, guided mindful meditation instructions are offered on line by the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center: http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22

For more information about mindfulness meditation, its benefits and positive effects on the human brain:

Washington Post – Monday, February 14, 2011

Meditation and mindfulness may give your brain a boost

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Program

http://www.mindfullivingprograms.com/whatMBSR.php

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[i] “In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few.”

- Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind