Let yourself be

Note: as I’ve gotten sicker writing has become more difficult. In order to continue this blog I’m trying a new format: short and pithy.

Today in a brief email to a friend I wrote: “To say that my health is poor is an understatement. But I’m still alive to joyful walk my spiritual path.”

If you don’t have a spiritual path that’s okay because what I really mean is that so long as we’re alive we have the chance to experience a moment of gentle peace, a quiet space of dignity that is the true nature of who we are. 

Take one moment. Sit silently. Be still.

Beyond worry and fear is peace. Beyond hope is a vast space of fearless freedom. Don’t think about it. Let go and taste it.

Being is not the same as doing. For a few moments each day quit doing.

Let go. Let go of everything. Just be. It’s easy. For just a few moments every day be who you truly are. It will slowly become a habit.

All of life is lived in one moment. We are alive now.

Coping with illness and other stresses – a Buddhist perspective

In order to maintain a basic sense of sanity while coping with constant illness I spend a lot of time working with my mind. Happiness is nothing other than a state of mind and therefore it’s something we actually have control over – it’s up to us.[i] If we pinned happiness to external circumstance then it would be no more stable than a house of cards in the wind. By learning how to work skillfully with our minds we can experience genuine happiness and have more resilience for handling stress.

Habitual tendencies

We use concepts and language often without realizing it to fuel our emotional states, as if we have to keep reminding ourselves why it is that we’re anxious, frustrated or afraid. We tell ourselves the same old stories over and over again and rarely give our mind a rest. Like a child poking a stick into a hornet’s nest we’re continually stirring up our mind, making ourselves unnecessarily miserable.

When we look straight at our experience without the weighty baggage of our usual narrative we can start to see that things aren’t as claustrophobic, solid or substantial as they seem. A sense of space opens up within the very experience of worry, anger, or fear. When we drop the labels and mental chitchat, even if only for a few seconds, we’re free to watch our mind and to let the energy of our mind settle on its own. When our mind is calm we are able to be relaxed and to experience a basic sense of well-being.

Calm abiding

Because we’re so used to our habitual ways of relating to people and situations we don’t notice when our minds are spinning out of control. By the time we do notice we’re in the midst of a full-blown drama: frustration has flared into anger; worry has turned into paralyzing fear and suddenly we’re completely off balance, unable to control our whirling thoughts and feelings.

When our minds are overwhelmed by negative emotions even the simplest things are difficult and cause additional suffering. When we have a calm and peaceful mind everything is more workable and even difficult challenges are manageable.

The best way to cultivate a calm mind is through the practice of mindfulness. By practicing mindfulness we know what our minds are doing: we can see when our mind is agitated or aggressive, excited or overwhelmed, sad or happy. By cultivating mindfulness we get to know our mind in all of its states. When we know our mind well and are able to maintain some degree of mindfulness then we aren't so easily ambushed by negative emotional state or carried away by positive ones. 

As a means to develop mindful awareness Buddhism teaches the meditation practice of shamatha, a Sanskrit word translated as “calm abiding”. In shamatha practice the breath is used as a focal object to give the mind something to focus on. We simply follow the breath in and out as we breath. Each time we notice that we've lost our mindfulness and that our minds have been chasing after thoughts we let those thoughts go and return to watching the breath. We simply drop the thoughts without any judgment about “good thoughts” or “bad thoughts” and return our attention to the breath. By practicing this technique we develop concentration and the ability to maintain a calm mind even in the midst of extreme situations and emotional states.

Prajna

Mindfulness is a powerful and profound practice and can help us deal with both stress and physical pain but according to Buddhism it isn't enough to truly free us from suffering. To experience genuine freedom from suffering we need to develop prajna, or wisdom – the wisdom that sees how things really are. We’re constantly bamboozled by our belief in external appearances; we believe in our dualistic perceptions of subject and object, perceiver and perceived. But that apparent dualism is more like a habit of mind and not how things truly are.

One of the simplest examples used in Buddhism to describe the true nature of phenomena is the reflection of the moon on water. On a clear night with a full moon we can see a bright, vivid, luminous and convincingly real image of the moon shining on a still lake. The reflected moon does not exist in any substantial way but is the mere appearance of a moon that arises from causes and conditions that have come together: a clear night, a full moon; a still lake.

Likewise, everything we think, feel or perceive with our senses – taste, touch, sound, sight, smell – arises from the coming together of various causes and conditions. Although this is obvious we rarely think about the implications, which are utterly profound: our entire phenomenal world including the “I” or “self” has no permanent, unchanging, or independent identity.

Because all phenomena are dependently arisen they are no more substantial than a reflection of the moon on water. When we can actually see how it is the all phenomena are vividly appearing yet empty in essence that is the birth of wisdom in our minds. When we truly understand interdependence we have the chance to free ourselves from suffering because we realize that whatever appears is just like a reflection. Whatever we experience is illusion-like. At that point we quit grasping or clinging to dualistic appearances of sadness and happiness, friend and enemy, illness and health, etc. and we experience a profound equanimity.

Note: The way we develop the prajna that understands and sees interdependence is through the practice of Vipashyana or analytical meditation. Shamatha and Vipashyana are best learned at a meditation center where one can receive instruction from a teacher with experience in these profound methods of working with the mind.

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[i] Certain physical conditions, like depression caused by chemical imbalances, can make it more challenging to experience happy states of mind. But knowing how to work with the mind in a skillful way can still be beneficial and help alleviate suffering.

Let it Go

Years ago I worked with a woman who used acronyms when speaking as a way to code conversation that our supervisor might overhear. One of her favorites was LIG – let it go. I learned many things in that job, among them that the only and best response in a situation is often none at all. Rather than react or respond – especially when under the influence of a powerful emotion – it’s more useful to look directly inward at our own mind, watch carefully and cautiously, and then as the energy begins to dissipate let it go. Whatever emotion or negative thought that manifests don’t grab onto it or use it to build resentments, feel self-righteous or victimized (two of my old favorites), or manufacture stories and additional painful emotions. Just LIG!

As a child my family went to church every Sunday morning where we sat in an austere Lutheran chapel and listened to a minister who – aware that adults tend to make things more complicated than necessary – wisely geared his sermons to the children among his parishioners. One Sunday, as we waited sitting on the hard wooden pews, it seemed that our pastor had gone missing when the doors suddenly flew opened and he came stomping up the aisle wearing hiking boots and a heavy backpack. The lesson that morning: leave your burdens with the Lord. In other words, LIG!

We all carry burdens. If we take an honest inventory we might discover most of them are unnecessary. We can lighten our load and the earth won’t tilt off axis, which is good news. It means we can take our problems and ourselves less seriously and give ourselves a break. When we genuinely let go of something we’ve been holding onto (sometimes for years) there’s a great sense of relief, we can breath easier and our hearts feel lighter. In fact, our whole body feels more relaxed. It’s no secret that stress is bad for our health. Whether we now enjoy good health or happen to have a chronic or degenerative illness we benefit from being able to let go of unhealthy habits, including unhealthy habits of mind. It’s a terrible stress to our bodies and minds when we hold onto poisonous emotions, resentments, or negative thoughts of any kind.

Here are two key points to letting go: first, you have to want to; second, you need some degree of mindfulness and awareness. As soon as you notice that you’re holding onto a negative emotion or thought let it go. It may come back immediately, if so, drop it again. The next time you become aware that you’re holding on let go again. Don’t judge yourself, just notice and let go. As we get better at letting go we might catch ourselves trying to justify or rationalize holding on to a negative emotion or thought – don’t! That’s the time to let go.

Letting go is something that we have to practice over and over until it becomes a positive habit. The good news is: we all know how to let go because it’s what we do every time we go to bed and fall asleep. However, when letting go of negative thoughts or emotions instead of staying asleep and following the same old pattern, use it as an opportunity to wake up. Notice what’s happening in your mind and in your body, notice the anger or fear or resentment and let it go. When you truly let go your mind and body settle back into a natural state of relaxation and peace. And what a relief that is!

Contemplations

A pithy quote from the Book of Mathew in the Bible:

Mathew 6:27

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

To paraphrase a wonderful teaching I've heard many times:

If you have a problem, or something is troubling you, and you can do something about it then there’s no need to worry because you can do something. If something is troubling you, or you have a problem, and you can’t do anything about it then there’s no point in worrying because you can’t do anything about it. In short, there’s never a need to worry.

From Bobby McFerrin’s famous song, Don’t Worry, Be Happy:

In every life we have some trouble 
When you worry you make it double 

If you’re not sure how to let go try this exercise, or visualize it well:

Hold a baseball tightly in your hand just long enough that it starts to feel uncomfortable but without hurting yourself. Then turn your hand over and drop the ball. Now observe how your hand feels. Your fingers are probably curled as if they’re still holding on and the muscles may hurt. It’s a similar process when dropping a negative thought or emotion. In order to let go you have to intentionally loosen your hold – just like opening your hand from around the baseball but instead of relaxing your finger muscles, you relax your mind. At first it can be uncomfortable and you might feel a strong urge to grab back onto the thought or emotion. With practice it gets easier. When we learn to let go it frees our mind, our energy, our body, and our heart.

Learn basic mindfulness practice:

Simple, guided mindful meditation instructions are offered on line by the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center: http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22

Equanimity

In response to my first two posts a friend, who also has Lyme disease, sent me an email: “Nice, Cara. Not sure that I'll find the degree of equanimity that you've found, however. Love the snowdrops!!” To which I replied: “Equanimity! Hahaha! Equanimity is something I keep having to come back to hence the title of the blog: ‘Coming back to peace.’ I have to practice it – over and over and over again.”

With a quick google search I found the following definition of equanimity on miriam-webster.com: “evenness of mind especially under stress.” It describes nicely the point of meditation practice, which is to become familiar with our minds so that we can ride the roller coaster of thoughts and emotions without freaking out. Contrary to what some might think meditation is not about getting rid of thoughts – good luck with that! The point of meditation is to develop mindfulness and awareness so that we aren’t jerked this way and that by our habitual emotional tendencies, concepts, and endless internal dialogue.

Equanimity takes practice, it’s the ability to be with whatever’s happening and not lose our cool. When we do lose our cool – which is certain to happen at some point – then equanimity is the ability to notice that we just lost it and climb back on the surfboard, skateboard, horse – you choose – and finish the ride. Then we use that as inspiration for next time so that when another big wave comes our way we have a chance to catch it before we’re slammed. 

Being sick is a lot like being slammed again and again by a huge wave. I never seem to get any ground beneath my feet. Some days I think to myself: “I am so fucked!” Sometimes I shout it out loud and that’s when I’m being most honest with myself because there’s nothing I can do. My situation can’t be fixed, changed, or solved. I’ve hit bottom. There’s no ground beneath my feet, there never has been any ground, the ground is only an illusion and all I can do is watch and be with whatever is happening in the moment – that’s equanimity in practice.

There’s tremendous wisdom in hitting bottom. In some ways it’s similar to what Zen practitioners refer to as “beginner’s mind.”[i] Beginner’s mind is fresh, open and without any concepts or preconceived ideas. Realizing that we’ve hit bottom is when we finally know that none of our concepts work. It’s when we know that no amount of effort on our part can change what we’re going through. Suddenly we can’t hold on any longer. We have no choice but to let go and when we do we discover that there is actually tremendous space in our situation. Like an eagle we might, for a brief moment, catch an updraft and realize that we can actually soar and then it all changes again. 

When we let go of our concepts and at the same time continue to hold our seat, not moving from that spot but continuing to look and stay with it, there’s an opportunity to see the basic sanity in our situation, the basic health that’s always there no matter how sick we are. Working with illness and pain in a productive way is, among other things, a practice of patience and equanimity. We come back to peace each time we let go of our concepts, internal dialogue and destructive emotional habits long enough to relax and enjoy the space that’s always there.

Note: From the Buddhist view sickness is sometimes considered a powerful path for practice. Why? First, there is no greater motivation for meditation practice than our own suffering and awareness of mortality. Second, touching our own pain at a deep level enables us to develop compassion and the motivation and aspiration to free other beings from suffering. Such an aspiration has tremendous benefit for oneself and others. It changes our whole intention and mindset toward other sentient beings and our world.

Learning basic mindfulness practice: There’s been a lot written lately about the benefits of mindfulness meditation for people living with pain and chronic or terminal illness. Scientific studies of the brain using imaging techniques such as MRI scans show that meditation alters the brain in significant and positive ways. Changes to the brain’s structure can happen relatively quickly even for beginning meditators who practice only a few minutes a day – consistency, however, is an important part of the practice. Anyone can learn to meditate. Simple, guided mindful meditation instructions are offered on line by the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center: http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22

For more information about mindfulness meditation, its benefits and positive effects on the human brain:

Washington Post – Monday, February 14, 2011

Meditation and mindfulness may give your brain a boost

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Program

http://www.mindfullivingprograms.com/whatMBSR.php

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[i] “In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few.”

- Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind